1. An Alaska citizens’ group is pushing for the legalization of recreational marijuana use, which would make it the third state in the country to do so. Said one obviously stoned resident, “I can see Russia from my house.”
2. On Wednesday, singer Chris Brown rejected a plea deal that would have allowed the pop star to avoid jail time stemming from an alleged altercation outside a D.C. hotel in October. Said Brown, “I have a strict policy against accepting pleas. And trust me I hear a lot of pleas, like ‘Please stop hitting me’ or ‘Dear Lord, I wish this man would stop hitting me’ and ‘Not the face'”
3. According to reports, Miami Marlins President David Samson will be a contestant on the next season of “Survivor.” And you gotta like his odds, considering the amount of time he’s spent in desolate, uninhabited locations i.e. Marlins Park
4. Before an exhibition game between ex-NBA players and the North Korean national team, Dennis Rodman sang a verse of “Happy Birthday” to Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un who was in attendance. Immediately after he finished his rendition, Rodman was thrown in jail for copyright infringement, they take their laws very seriously over there.
5. Before an exhibition game between ex-NBA players and the North Korean national team, Dennis Rodman sang a verse of “Happy Birthday” to Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un who was in attendance. The sentiment was nice, but I think I speak for everyone when I say we could have done without the white dress and steam grate.
6. On Wednesday, a Nebraska toddler who repeated a slew of profanities in an online video was taken into child protective custody by Omaha police. The toddler used his one phone call to call his mother to tell her she’s “a fucking bitch.”
7. According to a new study, mothers who frequently use over-the-counter pain relievers are more likely to give them to their children too. “I don’t see the problem,” said Casey Anthony.
8. Burrito Box, a new invention that is turning up at gas stations around California, is a vending machine that serves up hot burritos. Not so funny now that machines are taking your jobs, huh Mexicans?
9. According to a new study, runners reported higher rates of injury and pain when wearing less structured, minimalist shoes. Said a Kenyan runner. “What are shoes?”
10. This week, movie star Nicholas Cage turned fifty. Sorry that sentence should have read, this week Nicholas Cage starred in fifty movies.
